Homeward Bound

I was recently blessed with the opportunity to spend time in the beautiful Texas Hill Country with some of the sweetest people that I know. It was an awesome chance to truly get away from the stress of school, studying, and tests. Our speaker, Ben Sledge, was as awesome as ever. He brought some great truth to us through the parable of the prodigal son, and reminded us that there is always an opportunity to come back home. The theme for the weekend was family. Personally, I struggled with really accepting this. The whole idea of themes seemed kind of lame to me. What were we? 5-year-olds at a birthday party? Throughout the weekend though, I was truly able to not only accept the idea of family, but was really able to embrace it.

Ben said it best. Families are dysfunctional. We are imperfect people created by a perfect God. Sins and failures are inevitable. We were created to be broken. There is no such thing as a perfect family, yet somehow the Lord has stitched several broken people together in order to create a loving community that loves me in a way that I still can't comprehend. I have failed them. Countless times. I am a hot mess. I'm a high-emotion individual who can't keep her head on straight, has a tendency to laugh too loudly, tell stories more than once, talk in circles, and occasionally talk way too much. I'm bad with directions. I don't clean up after myself. I would rather sleep than listen to someone talk about their problems, but when it's time for me to externally process, you had better be ready to listen. I don't forgive very easily. I question God. Constantly. I think I'm the best. I tend to aim to please man rather than God about 90% of the time. I fall victim to sin on a daily basis, but I always have a Father who allows me to run back into His arms every single time, much like the son who strayed far from his father after demanding his inheritance. Upon his return to his father, the son spoke to his father:

"Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son." But the father said to his servants, "Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found." So they began to celebrate. Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. "Your brother has come," he replied, "and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound." The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, "Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!"

"My son," the father said, "you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found."

Luke 15:21-31

I have a family who loves me unconditionally. I have a Father who created me to be the broken person that I am, so that I could run back to Him over and over again. Last week, there was a debate on campus between a Christian theologian and the president of the Austin Atheist Society. It was in the midst of their debate that I realized something: I am not called to have all of the answers. All that the Lord calls me to do is to have faith the size of a mustard seed, and mountains can be moved. In no way do I believe that this is a cop-out for me to live in ignorance, rather it encourages me to learn all that I can in order to glorify Jesus to the best of my abilities, but even more than that, it challenges me to break down these walls of the bubble that I've placed myself in. 

My family is not limited. My love for others is not confined to a dinner group, or a campus ministry, or even to my classes. I love because He first loved me, in my mess and in my brokenness. And these are some of the people that I have to thank for that.

Insert (en)title(ment) here.

On the tail end of my summer, I'm still collecting my thoughts, scouring through my journals (yes, that is plural... I kept several of them this summer), spending really sweet time with the Lord, and just generally processing. (Which is quickly becoming a regular word in my vocabulary; jokingly or otherwise.)

I've stalked my friends' Summer Project albums (as well as my own) on Facebook more times than I can count. I've sat around, moped, and thought to myself, "Why can't I be back at project? What is there for me to do back here in San Marcos?". Post-project depression is a very real thing, you guys, and there are 31 college students scattered throughout the country who are living proof of this. But in the midst of my pity party, one thing specifically has always come back to me. Something that I heard countless times from my project friends.

I am not entitled to lead a comfortable life.

Throughout the Bible, I've found many of God's promises for my life:

"You did not choose me, but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you." John 15:16

"For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him." John 3:17 

 "But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ, even when we were dead in transgressions--it is by grace you have been saved." Ephesians 2:4-5

"There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are ALL one in Christ Jesus." Galatians 3:28

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

 "I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

These are just a few of the Lord's promises for me. I am a chosen child of God; I am to be condemned by no one. I have been made in His image, and he has plans for a prosperous future for me. Nowhere in scripture have I found it to say, "Marissa Alexandra Pena, you are entitled to righteousness. You deserve a nice place to live, a care to drive, a college education, a high-paying job, a husband, a white picket fence, or even the deeds of man." I've often felt entitled to adequacy when it comes to pleasing man. But guess what, guys?

God is the foundation of my faith. He will always take away my feelings of inadequacy, and replace them with feelings that will better help further His Kingdom.

Because I have placed my trust in Jesus Christ, I am safe and secure because I live in the safety of the Kingdom of His grace. I will always fall short of Christ's perfection. I know that now. There is no amount of "doing" that will make me more Christ-like, or draw me nearer to Him. Only when I become the image of God that He has designed me to be will I find my utmost fulfillment.

My identity and what I am entitled to is found through Christ alone. It's not about leading a bible study or a small group. It's not about how often I go to church. It's not about hopping from one ministry to another. It's not about plugging into every opportunity that I can find. I can cross off everything on my Christian to-do list, but if I am not serving the Lord with my whole heart and making disciples and building relationships with people, then my sense of ever deserving anything goes out the window. Thankfully, I live in peace knowing that as a disciple of Jesus Christ, I am promised an eternal life with Him in the Kingdom of Heaven, and I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.

"And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts to which indeed you were called to one body; and be thankful." Colossians 3:15

How I Learned to Process Things Externally, or What I Learned on Summer Project

I've finally made it back home to sweet little Harlingen, TX, and I decided that while I'm sitting in my pseudo-room (more like my mother's makeshift craft room/new guest room... Sigh) staring at the ten weeks' worth of treasures that I've unearthed from my car and hauled inside is really as a good a time as any to start, you guessed it... processing.

As we wrapped up our last week in Branson, headed back to Texas, and took a part of this year's Rise Retreat (which was AWESOME... but that's for another blog post), I did a lot of reflecting on what the Lord taught me, how I've grown this summer, and how I can apply all of this to the real world after I leave my perfect, happy summer project bubble of Jesus-loving weirdos who I love with all of my heart. As much as I hate to admit some of it, this is what I came up with.

• I am an emotional being. Like, seriously emotional. And you know what? That's okay. I have probably shed more tears since May 28 than I have in the past two years of my life since I started college. And truth be told, I was starting to feel a bit like an emotional wreck. How could I be this vulnerable? How dare I let people see me cry? This isn't who I am. I don't do tears. Well guess what. God said otherwise. Which leads me to my next point. 

• If I didn't think my God was capable of everything (and I mean everything), I do now. Jesus has broken me down a lot this summer. Emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Dealing with things that just weren't a part of my reality back at home now suddenly popped up. I struggled with questions. I am still struggling with questions. Gone is my perfect world in which I didn't have to face the difficult questions. 

• I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. Perfection, among many other things, is an idol. Striving to be the best as a leader, as a Christian, and as an employee are literally irrelevant if my motives are not to glorify Christ and His Kingdom.

• Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or an I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10

• 3rd wheeling sucks. 5th wheeling sucks. And yes, I was even once the dreaded 7th wheel this summer. Seeking adoration and approval from a man is one of the other idols that I've discovered this summer. It also gets a lot harder when nearly half of the people that you live with for 10 weeks begun dating each other. But in this, I've learned and have even been able to watch what true pursuit of a woman's heart looks like. Though not through my own experiences, I've seen the kindness, goodness, and sheer authenticity that I pray for in a husband, should the Lord ever lead me to marriage.

• Not everyone is out to get me. In fact, most of the time, people have way better things to do with their lives than to figure out ways to make me miserable. But Satan is a king of evilness who plagues the minds of many to try to tell them otherwise.
• I don't always have to have an answer. I don't always have to speak first. There are times when it is appropriate to bite my tongue, to let others speak, and learn from them. It doesn't make me unintelligent or uninteresting... It makes me available to hear what others have to say.

• I have a desperate desire for spiritual maturity and not nearly enough drive to accomplish it... until now. I have never been so invested in research of any type, but over this summer, I've been challenged by myself and others to know the head answers. My heart is all there when it comes to knowing the Lord and praising Him. I long to love people, to build relationships, and make others feel good. But one day, I was stumped with the question... Why? Why do I believe in the Bible as a solid resource of the accounts of Jesus Christ? Why do I choose to follow this man and believe that He truly was the son of God who died for our sins upon a cross? Why don't I blindly believe any other case for a deity or religion? The thought challenged me all summer, and lead me to realize that I do not have the answers to everything. Nobody in this whole entire world has the answers to everything. I'm not even 100% that I'm Marissa Alexandra Pena. There's that .0001% chance that somewhere in the hospital, things got mixed up, and I was misplaced for someone else's child. While those odds are slim to none, this is just something that I will never rely on with complete certainty. This also goes for my belief in Jesus Christ as the son of God.
  
• I'm loved. Completely. By Jesus Christ, by my family, and this strange group of people who I spent 10 weeks of my summer with. Not being around them constantly has been hard. Really hard. For the first few days, I didn't know how to respond. I didn't cry. I just... sat. And thought about everything that had occurred over the summer, about the relationships I built, and about the lessons I learned. Nothing about this summer was easy. Raising support, taking a 14-hour drive by myself, constantly being in the presence of people who hadd something that I couldn't have, ministering to people in my workplace, and finding the courage to speak to complete strangers and have spiritual conversations with them. It was hard. But I'd be lying if I told you that I didn't have the best time of my life.

In Him,

Marissa

"But Mom, I don't wanna go home, I wanna live at the Honey forever."

Unfortunately, this is not reality. After already being thrown back into the real world after less than 24 hours, I've already begun to notice how important OLSP is to me. And because I can't fit how much I love it into one silly photo caption, I'll share it in one silly blog post instead. (And eventually I'll share something more eloquently-written after I've gotten more than 5 hours of sleep and haven't spent 14 hours in a car). 

Project was amazing. And as cheesy as it sounds, we are a family. I already miss having to constantly feel like I need to scold the boys for doing dumb things, or coming and crying to Shay or Erin about whatever my problem of the day has been, or persistently asking David & Mikayla what's for dinner. I miss seeing obvious growth in people. I miss community. I miss the stupid strip and all of its stupid traffic. I miss the yellow umbrellas. I miss everything that is project. But I rejoice so wholeheartedly in the fact that this is where the Lord placed 31 college students from all over the country to serve Him, to share the gospel, to live intentionally, and to learn not only from Him but from each other. Just because I didn't cry upon leaving the beloved Honeysuckle Inn doesn't mean I care any less. I just honestly think that I've already used up my allotted tears for the summer. As heartbreaking as it is to officially be gone and back in good old San Marcos, it's a whole new chapter that I'm ready to take on with Holy Spirit as my guide. Long live the summer of snaps, the DTR table, and the Wolf Pack. 

6 Things for Singles to Remember

Collection of my thoughts, ideas, and opinions on relationships and singleness with some spiritual application. Drawn from several sermons, books, and wisdom of the older women who have poured into my life. Enjoy. Xx. 

-If you are not happy single, you probably won't be happy married either. 

"But the holy spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." Galatians 5:22-23

Your spouse is not your savior. Nowhere in the bible does it state that we we will find joy or any other fruits from an earthly being. Our joy comes from the Lord, and is not found in a man or a woman, but rather shared between a man and a woman. 

-Focus on becoming the one rather than finding the one.

"I want your to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord's work and thinking how to please Him, but a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities, and how to please his wife. His interests are divided." 1 Corinthians 7:32-34

The quickest way to find The One is to become The One. Allow Jesus to mold you into the future husband/wife that you are meant to be. When you're single, you have freedom. Instead of checking with your spouse to make sure that it is okay to go and do something, you are given the freedom to go where you want to go without the need of serving them first. When you are single, God is truly number one in your life, and that vision is not blinded by another earthly being.

-God has no trouble putting two people together.

"Those who obey him will not be punished. Those who are wise will find a time and a way to do what is right, for there is a time and a way for everything, even when a person is in trouble." Ecclesiastes 8:6-7

Trust God with the timing of things. There are many good reasons for being where you are in life. You don't know why, but the King certainly does. Trust Him with the timing, and don't settle in the meantime for less than His best for you.

-Who you hang out with (and where you hang out) is a good sign of who you'll end up with.

"For bad company corrupts good character. Think carefully about what is right and stop sinning. For to your shame I say that some of you don't know God at all." 1 Corinthians 15:33-34

You become like the people you hang out with. Chances are that if you become like them, you will end up with them. How do you intend to find a Godly man to lead you in your walk with Christ if you're not hanging around with them? Say what you will, but a great place to meet your future spouse is a place where people that you'd like your future spouse to be like exist (i.e. church, small groups, bible studies, etc.)

-If you are a believer, you should only date believers. 

"Don't team up with unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?" 2 Corinthians 6:14

Plain and simple, the Lord calls us to be equally yoked in our relationships, and as seen in the previous point, bad company brings about poor morals. Don't go into a relationship thinking that you will change someone. The last thing that you want to do is "flirt to convert". Think about the way you would feel if someone came into your life and tell you that you were doing everything wrong? Being in a relationship is meant to be a time for growth of two individuals, not change.

-Purity is priceless.

"Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God. Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God's people." Ephesians 5:2-3

Sex is fun, or so I've been told, and guess what? It was created by God. Therefore, it was not something that He is trying to keep from you or tease you with, but it is also not something that he gave to us to play around with. Sex is life fire. If you keep it in the fireplace, where it belongs, it is put to use and serves its purpose, but the minute that fire escapes from the fireplace, it will burn down the entire house. Sex is not wrong, as long as it is used in the context of which the Lord created it: in marriage. He is only protecting us from getting burned.

Keeping these things in mind, the struggle of singleness should be put at some slight ease, but never forget that who you are is not defined by your relationship status.

I Went on Summer Project and All I Got Was This Lousy Blog Post

Just kidding. Duh. Here's a life update in photographic form for those of you who aren't constantly stalking my Facebook/Instagram/Twitter updates (and shame on you for that). 

It all started with a Jesus Calling devotional...

Followed by a trip to the outlook at College of the Ozarks for worship. 

Where I got to meet (part of) my sweet growth team. 

Then, somehow, we misplaced out staff members, and had to go find them at the Branson Landing. 

There was a bowling night where we all donned our best thrift shop attire that would even make Macklemore proud. 

There was a small group date to a mini-golf course. 

And a six-mile hike that ended with a rewarding swim in the Buffalo River. 

Gorgeous sunsets are abundant here; photos do no justice. 

Best 4th of July. Ever. 

A trip to Silver Dollar City to unwind. 

And the time to say farewell to our amazing staff came way too soon. They've taught us much, and have left the project in the hands of 31 very capable college students, as well as the Lord. 

I wholeheartedly believe that none of us are here by accident. God doesn't make mistakes. Our purpose and our intent has been made clear to us, and we are living it out. Thank you all so much for being some of the greatest people the Lord has ever placed in my life. 

"You did not choose me, but I chose you, and appointed you so that you would bear fruit--fruit that will last--and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give to you." John 15:16

The Head & the Heart (but not the band)

Friends. Romans. Countrymen. Lend me your ear. Or in this case, your eye(s). So I've been in Branson, MO for six weeks (!!!) now, and the Lord is working in sweet sweet ways. I've been struggling a lot with doubt. In myself, in the Lord, and wondering whether or not I'm enough. You're probably asking yourself, "So, why exactly is this sweet to you?" Trust me, if I'd heard that a year ago, I would've questioned myself too.

In this past year, I've been forced to make choices. Choices that I initially did not want to make, but thankfully my fear of not pleasing people was finally overtaken by my fear of not pleasing Jesus. Biblically speaking, I'd made the right decision. 

"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ."

Galatians 1:10

In the spring, I struggled with deciding what I was going to do with my summer. After finally deciding to apply to OLSP, I sat and waited. And waited. And waited. Until finally, it was the week before spring break, and I'd given up. I wasn't doing too hot in my history class, I was struggling with mid-semester slump, and was just generally upset. The day that I had an emotional breakdown  was the day that I received a call from one of our project directors asking if I wanted to join them for the summer. Literally in between crying sessions, I mustered up enough energy to say yes.

It's been the best decision that I've made in a long time.

A few weeks ago, we went on our women's re(treat yoself!), and we got to hear a few different talks from a sweet lady named Carolyn, who has been on staff with Cru for over 30 years. She was such an encouragement to myself, as I'm sure she was to many of the other women there that weekend. For so long, many of us have thought of marriage as the ultimate goal. I know that I have. I've struggled with idolizing relationships, planning my marriage before even having a serious boyfriend, and just generally falling for guys way too hard and way too fast. Carolyn shared with us her struggle of being single for long after her friends began getting engaged and married, and eventually didn't end up marrying until she was 51 years old. In the midst of all of that, she remained obedient to God, and answered His call to continue ministering with Cru. We went through a fantastic study in Ephesians about how life is all about the choices that we make. It seems like a simple enough concept, right? 

Wrong.

I was reminded of how easy it is to get side-tracked in our walk with the Lord, and how the Bible gives very clear directions on how to live a Christian life, and to not walk in the flesh of humanity, but in the Holy Spirit.

"That however, is not that way of life you learned when you heard about Christ and were taught in Him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be life God in true righteousness and holiness."

Ephesians 4:20-24

I am a completely different person than I was a year ago, six months ago, or even six weeks ago. I've learned a lot about myself, and how important it is to be transparent. There's a word that I hear a lot, but practice. Transparency should consist of real Marissa. Not this front that I believe that everyone wants to see. Talking too much, laughing way too loudly, and trying endlessly to be funny only carries me so far before actual pain starts to take over. I've allowed a lot of people (30 others, to be exact) into my life in a very short amount of time. It hasn't been easy. I've often seen tears and emotions as signs of vulnerability, and no one likes to see a strong girl cry. 

I now understand that the head and the heart coexist. Oftentimes, my heart has told me to let it all out, but my head has told me otherwise, but I've learned better. My head has a point, but you cannot base decisions on emotions alone. Make choices. Take God's hand. Don't justify your behavior when you know that it isn't pleasing to the Lord. Don't make excuses. Follow His plan, and His word, and you will live a life in the spirit, and will soon forget all about walking in the flesh. 

And when you're feeling bitter and alone? (Exhibit A: myself) Find comfort in the fact that God does not waste pain. 

"Would I ever bring this nation to the point of birth and then not deliver it?" asks the Lord. "No! I would never keep the nation from being born!" says the Lord, your God.

Isaiah 66:9

Check your silver linings every once in awhile, for "the Lord is good to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit". (Psalm 34:18) Remember how good and strong your heart is, but don't forget about your head knowledge.

I realize that this post is a little out in left field, unorganized, and all over the place, but hey. Then again, so is my life. What God is teaching me in Branson, MO of all places in the whole entire world IS AMAZINGLY SUPER AWESOME AND GREAT, and one day, I'd love to sit with your for 5 hours and tell you about it, but unfortunately, this blog is all you have (for now), so if I leave you with any encouragement, let it be this:

For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. Psalm 84:11

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:3-5

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him. Psalm 34:8

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:18