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On the tail end of my summer, I'm still collecting my thoughts, scouring through my journals (yes, that is plural... I kept several of them this summer), spending really sweet time with the Lord, and just generally processing. (Which is quickly becoming a regular word in my vocabulary; jokingly or otherwise.)

I've stalked my friends' Summer Project albums (as well as my own) on Facebook more times than I can count. I've sat around, moped, and thought to myself, "Why can't I be back at project? What is there for me to do back here in San Marcos?". Post-project depression is a very real thing, you guys, and there are 31 college students scattered throughout the country who are living proof of this. But in the midst of my pity party, one thing specifically has always come back to me. Something that I heard countless times from my project friends.

I am not entitled to lead a comfortable life.

Throughout the Bible, I've found many of God's promises for my life:

"You did not choose me, but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you." John 15:16

"For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him." John 3:17 

 "But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ, even when we were dead in transgressions--it is by grace you have been saved." Ephesians 2:4-5

"There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are ALL one in Christ Jesus." Galatians 3:28

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

 "I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

These are just a few of the Lord's promises for me. I am a chosen child of God; I am to be condemned by no one. I have been made in His image, and he has plans for a prosperous future for me. Nowhere in scripture have I found it to say, "Marissa Alexandra Pena, you are entitled to righteousness. You deserve a nice place to live, a care to drive, a college education, a high-paying job, a husband, a white picket fence, or even the deeds of man." I've often felt entitled to adequacy when it comes to pleasing man. But guess what, guys?

God is the foundation of my faith. He will always take away my feelings of inadequacy, and replace them with feelings that will better help further His Kingdom.

Because I have placed my trust in Jesus Christ, I am safe and secure because I live in the safety of the Kingdom of His grace. I will always fall short of Christ's perfection. I know that now. There is no amount of "doing" that will make me more Christ-like, or draw me nearer to Him. Only when I become the image of God that He has designed me to be will I find my utmost fulfillment.

My identity and what I am entitled to is found through Christ alone. It's not about leading a bible study or a small group. It's not about how often I go to church. It's not about hopping from one ministry to another. It's not about plugging into every opportunity that I can find. I can cross off everything on my Christian to-do list, but if I am not serving the Lord with my whole heart and making disciples and building relationships with people, then my sense of ever deserving anything goes out the window. Thankfully, I live in peace knowing that as a disciple of Jesus Christ, I am promised an eternal life with Him in the Kingdom of Heaven, and I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.

"And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts to which indeed you were called to one body; and be thankful." Colossians 3:15

How I Learned to Process Things Externally, or What I Learned on Summer Project

I've finally made it back home to sweet little Harlingen, TX, and I decided that while I'm sitting in my pseudo-room (more like my mother's makeshift craft room/new guest room... Sigh) staring at the ten weeks' worth of treasures that I've unearthed from my car and hauled inside is really as a good a time as any to start, you guessed it... processing.

As we wrapped up our last week in Branson, headed back to Texas, and took a part of this year's Rise Retreat (which was AWESOME... but that's for another blog post), I did a lot of reflecting on what the Lord taught me, how I've grown this summer, and how I can apply all of this to the real world after I leave my perfect, happy summer project bubble of Jesus-loving weirdos who I love with all of my heart. As much as I hate to admit some of it, this is what I came up with.

• I am an emotional being. Like, seriously emotional. And you know what? That's okay. I have probably shed more tears since May 28 than I have in the past two years of my life since I started college. And truth be told, I was starting to feel a bit like an emotional wreck. How could I be this vulnerable? How dare I let people see me cry? This isn't who I am. I don't do tears. Well guess what. God said otherwise. Which leads me to my next point. 

• If I didn't think my God was capable of everything (and I mean everything), I do now. Jesus has broken me down a lot this summer. Emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Dealing with things that just weren't a part of my reality back at home now suddenly popped up. I struggled with questions. I am still struggling with questions. Gone is my perfect world in which I didn't have to face the difficult questions. 

• I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. Perfection, among many other things, is an idol. Striving to be the best as a leader, as a Christian, and as an employee are literally irrelevant if my motives are not to glorify Christ and His Kingdom.

• Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or an I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10

• 3rd wheeling sucks. 5th wheeling sucks. And yes, I was even once the dreaded 7th wheel this summer. Seeking adoration and approval from a man is one of the other idols that I've discovered this summer. It also gets a lot harder when nearly half of the people that you live with for 10 weeks begun dating each other. But in this, I've learned and have even been able to watch what true pursuit of a woman's heart looks like. Though not through my own experiences, I've seen the kindness, goodness, and sheer authenticity that I pray for in a husband, should the Lord ever lead me to marriage.

• Not everyone is out to get me. In fact, most of the time, people have way better things to do with their lives than to figure out ways to make me miserable. But Satan is a king of evilness who plagues the minds of many to try to tell them otherwise.
• I don't always have to have an answer. I don't always have to speak first. There are times when it is appropriate to bite my tongue, to let others speak, and learn from them. It doesn't make me unintelligent or uninteresting... It makes me available to hear what others have to say.

• I have a desperate desire for spiritual maturity and not nearly enough drive to accomplish it... until now. I have never been so invested in research of any type, but over this summer, I've been challenged by myself and others to know the head answers. My heart is all there when it comes to knowing the Lord and praising Him. I long to love people, to build relationships, and make others feel good. But one day, I was stumped with the question... Why? Why do I believe in the Bible as a solid resource of the accounts of Jesus Christ? Why do I choose to follow this man and believe that He truly was the son of God who died for our sins upon a cross? Why don't I blindly believe any other case for a deity or religion? The thought challenged me all summer, and lead me to realize that I do not have the answers to everything. Nobody in this whole entire world has the answers to everything. I'm not even 100% that I'm Marissa Alexandra Pena. There's that .0001% chance that somewhere in the hospital, things got mixed up, and I was misplaced for someone else's child. While those odds are slim to none, this is just something that I will never rely on with complete certainty. This also goes for my belief in Jesus Christ as the son of God.
  
• I'm loved. Completely. By Jesus Christ, by my family, and this strange group of people who I spent 10 weeks of my summer with. Not being around them constantly has been hard. Really hard. For the first few days, I didn't know how to respond. I didn't cry. I just... sat. And thought about everything that had occurred over the summer, about the relationships I built, and about the lessons I learned. Nothing about this summer was easy. Raising support, taking a 14-hour drive by myself, constantly being in the presence of people who hadd something that I couldn't have, ministering to people in my workplace, and finding the courage to speak to complete strangers and have spiritual conversations with them. It was hard. But I'd be lying if I told you that I didn't have the best time of my life.

In Him,

Marissa