As we wrapped up our last week in Branson, headed back to Texas, and took a part of this year's Rise Retreat (which was AWESOME... but that's for another blog post), I did a lot of reflecting on what the Lord taught me, how I've grown this summer, and how I can apply all of this to the real world after I leave my perfect, happy summer project bubble of Jesus-loving weirdos who I love with all of my heart. As much as I hate to admit some of it, this is what I came up with.
- I am an emotional being. Like, seriously emotional. And you know what? That's okay. I have probably shed more tears since May 28 than I have in the past two years of my life since I started college. And truth be told, I was starting to feel a bit like an emotional wreck. How could I be this vulnerable? How dare I let people see me cry? This isn't who I am. I don't do tears. Well guess what. God said otherwise. Which leads me to my next point.
- If I didn't think my God was capable of everything (and I mean everything), I do now. Jesus has broken me down a lot this summer. Emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Dealing with things that just weren't a part of my reality back at home now suddenly popped up. I struggled with questions. I am still struggling with questions. Gone is my perfect world in which I didn't have to face the difficult questions.
- I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. Perfection, among many other things, is an idol. Striving to be the best as a leader, as a Christian, and as an employee are literally irrelevant if my motives are not to glorify Christ and His Kingdom.
- Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or an I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10
- 3rd wheeling sucks. 5th wheeling sucks. And yes, I was even once the dreaded 7th wheel this summer. Seeking adoration and approval from a man is one of the other idols that I've discovered this summer. It also gets a lot harder when nearly half of the people that you live with for 10 weeks begun dating each other. But in this, I've learned and have even been able to watch what true pursuit of a woman's heart looks like. Though not through my own experiences, I've seen the kindness, goodness, and sheer authenticity that I pray for in a husband, should the Lord ever lead me to marriage.
- Not everyone is out to get me. In fact, most of the time, people have way better things to do with their lives than to figure out ways to make me miserable. But Satan is a king of evilness who plagues the minds of many to try to tell them otherwise.
- I don't always have to have an answer. I don't always have to speak first. There are times when it is appropriate to bite my tongue, to let others speak, and learn from them. It doesn't make me unintelligent or uninteresting... It makes me available to hear what others have to say.
- I have a desperate desire for spiritual maturity and not nearly enough drive to accomplish it... until now. I have never been so invested in research of any type, but over this summer, I've been challenged by myself and others to know the head answers. My heart is all there when it comes to knowing the Lord and praising Him. I long to love people, to build relationships, and make others feel good. But one day, I was stumped with the question... Why? Why do I believe in the Bible as a solid resource of the accounts of Jesus Christ? Why do I choose to follow this man and believe that He truly was the son of God who died for our sins upon a cross? Why don't I blindly believe any other case for a deity or religion? The thought challenged me all summer, and lead me to realize that I do not have the answers to everything. Nobody in this whole entire world has the answers to everything. I'm not even 100% that I'm Marissa Alexandra Pena. There's that .0001% chance that somewhere in the hospital, things got mixed up, and I was misplaced for someone else's child. While those odds are slim to none, this is just something that I will never rely on with complete certainty. This also goes for my belief in Jesus Christ as the son of God.
- I'm loved. Completely. By Jesus Christ, by my family, and this strange group of people who I spent 10 weeks of my summer with. Not being around them constantly has been hard. Really hard. For the first few days, I didn't know how to respond. I didn't cry. I just... sat. And thought about everything that had occurred over the summer, about the relationships I built, and about the lessons I learned. Nothing about this summer was easy. Raising support, taking a 14-hour drive by myself, constantly being in the presence of people who hadd something that I couldn't have, ministering to people in my workplace, and finding the courage to speak to complete strangers and have spiritual conversations with them. It was hard. But I'd be lying if I told you that I didn't have the best time of my life.
In Him,
Marissa
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