1:07 am seems as good a time is any.

After a few days of procrastinating, cleaning, and packing (mostly procrastinating), it's finally done. I am finally packed and ready to head back to the 956 tomorrow. Now that I don't have a million and one things to do, I've finally been able to take some much needed extensive quiet time to talk with my Daddy Jesus. Doing this has caused me to reflect on the past 6+ months of my life, and how much it has changed. Drastically, I might add.

Seeing as how it's the end of the year, lists are abundant, as well as recaps. So here is 2012 in its cracked little nutshell. Let's look back, shall we? I'll make this quick. After a few months of literally having force myself to write words that were deemed "happy", "positive", and "grateful", I was exhausted from having been alone, tired, and afraid of what my future had in store for me. My grades were borderline probationary. I lived in San Marcos for my first summer away from home. And I was completely alone. Then came the beautiful month of August, where everything turned around. I got to meet these amazing people.

Rise 2012 has been one of the biggest blessings in my life by far. It was an incredible way for my eyes to be opened to the plans that the Lord had for me this semester. The relationships that I made that weekend are the strongest ones that I have today. Something inside of me changed over that span of 4 days. I came back to school a month later more eager than ever. Lacking a campus ministry, I was worried about where I was supposed to be, but six weeks into the semester, everything settled itself. I now have the best support system that anyone could ever ask for. That's where these people come in.

I am quite literally the happiest that I've ever been. I ran into one of my pledge sisters a few weeks ago, and she told me that I was "glowing". I'd never received a compliment like that before, and it was just another one of the tiny things that happened to me that reminded me of the greatness of Christ's love for each and every one of us. I am finally enjoying the life that the Lord made for me, rejoicing in His mercies, and teaching myself to love unconditionally. My goals have included becoming more transparent, more approachable, and more loving towards my brothers and sisters, all anxieties cast aside. 

For those of you who have walked along side me on this part of my journey, I give you my whole heart. Amazing things have happened to it this semester, and there's something inside of me that just keeps going. 

It's been a year of ups and downs, but I am forever blessed that it is ending on a high note. Goodbye 2012. And 2013... get ready.

first john four twelve?

"No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us, and His love is made complete in us."

Everything I've been searching for came to me in a SoulRev message today (for those of you with these great phones that do everything but cook dinner... DOWNLOAD IT NOW! It's fantastic, and helps you keep your heart & mind on the right track.)

Should I have been a "good Christian" and already known of this verse's existence? Oh, absolutely. But to be completely honest, I'm still trying to get this whole thing down.

The Bible is such a cool book, and I'm only just discovering this. It's provided me with so many answers these past few months that I never would have found otherwise.

So as per my typical late night rambles of happiness, goodness, and the love of Jesus Christ, I bid each of you all wonderful days/weeks/months/years (cue Friends theme song... Clap clap clap clap.) There's a lot more that I want to share with the world, but were all just going to have to wait.

Xx,
Marissa

October schmoctober.

There's a change in your heart when you finally stop searching for something or someone to serve you and pour into you, and when you actually begin serving and pouring into others. My heart has been so overwhelmed these past few months, and I can't wait to continue pursuing all of these opportunities that God has blessed me with to further continue serving His Kingdom.

I am absolutely head over heels for the people who are surrounding me right now, especially a few girls in particular whom I've been able to love and pour into. Up until a few weeks ago, I was so persistent upon finding a ministry, and more importantly I was focused on what would be good for ME. Where would I go that would help ME? What would benefit ME? Where would I feel comfortable, where would there be enough friends for ME? Me me me me me. I think we can all see what the problem was here.

Long story short, God graciously guided me to the right place, and the right people, and I couldn't be happier with where I am. Stress-free, surrounded by goodness, and constantly in the presence of incredible men & women of God, this semester has already been one for the books.

I am here for a reason, and now I'm just seeking the different ways to fulfill it.

Letter to myself, or things I wish I'd known 5 years ago.

To the sweet, insecure high school freshman who still lives inside of me somewhere,

Congratulations, you made it! Well. You didn't make it make it (that's not for another 8-9 years or so when you get that degree), but you've gotten to a rather vital point in your life. You made it through the ridiculous preteen/junior high years full of torment and frustration over the best friend you had who you knew you could never be. You made it through the parties, the field trips, and those one or two little school dances decorated with crepe paper... But guess what! There are still plenty more to come. Welcome to the snakepit that is high school, and congratulations for making it out mildly unscathed. This year is going to be rough. But guess what? You can handle it. Because one of the best people you'll ever meet is on their way. ;-)

Love, 19-Year-Old Me


Dear 15-Year-Old Self,

So, what did you think? High school really isn't like the movies, now is it? But you've found your place... Good for you! If memory serves (which i know it does because this was only 4 years ago), you’re not very popular… In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s an understatement. You have like, one friend. Maybe. Part of the reason might be because you’re running around with your iPod on listening to a show tunes playlist on repeat. So you're down to approximately one best friend with whom you'll spend a good majority of your time with because the last three didn't feel like putting up with you. But alas, a sweet sincere senior will be adopting you quite soon, and she will be teaching you the ways of the world. That blonde boy you were head over heels for two summers in a row? Gay. That girl you thought you could trust with everything? Two-faced (and eventually, she goes downhill, but you'll help her out later). Changes are rapidly approaching, but you'll get by with a little help from your friends.

Best wishes,
19-Year-Old You


Dear Awkward Girl Who Transferred From the High School on the Other Side of Town Her Junior Year in Search of "Something Better",

What's your deal? Why are you being this shy girl with no interest in making friends? Oh yeah, because that's how you think you're going to make them. By being mysterious. Well my dear, let me just tell you that that doesn't work the way you would have liked it to. After 16 years of people telling you to shut up, you definitely picked the wrong time. But let's get serious here. You're pursuing a real relationship with this God guy. You're less likely to fake sick when being woken up for church on Sundays, and you're even paying some kind of attention in your religious education class (although you're not too sure how you feel about it all...). So let's get some things straight here: you are worthy. Of love, of friendship, and of all the goodness that surrounds you that you just can't see yet. So please, get yourself out of this dark hole that you've dug yourself into and see His marvelous light. Also, you're getting kind of good at that speech thing that you're doing. So keep that up.

Much love,
College-aged self


Dear Hot Shot Senior,
Now we're getting somewhere. You've pushed through these past three years, and now you're on top. You're good at what you do, but your head is about to get huge, so calm it down.
Keep pursuing this relationship you're in. Unfortunately, I'm not talking about some boy, but a man who died for you and for your sins! You are so loved by Him, and I wish you could've realized it sooner. Everything is falling perfectly into place, although you have to wait awhile. Patience is a virtue, my darling, and yours will be greatly rewarded. Hang in there.
Your love for others will get taken advantage of, especially when it comes to you-know-who. He is funny, and great, and tells you nice things, but you cannot put a guy before God right now. But trust me, you will be SO grateful that He never allowed you to date anyone who you went to high school with.
Focus all that energy on loving others and being a disciple of Jesus Christ. So many good things are ahead of you in these next few years. So be prepared.

You’ll be found by His mercy and transformed by His grace and you will never be the same.

Be faithful, and never stop praying. I'll see you in another 5 years.

With love, and minimal regrets,
College sophomore version of you

This is the sound of the hearts You've set free.

More than a month later, and I am still crying to Jesus for Rise 2012 and the incredible summer that He blessed me with... Sorry. It's not my fault that He made my heart so (secretly) soft! Besides being head over heels for all of the beautiful brothers and sisters that have entered my life recently, I'm also kind of even enjoying school... Is this real life? Yep! Priorities have been changed (after talking about it for so long, I decided that it was finally time to, you know, DO it). School and my continually growing relationship with Jesus Christ are really my only concerns right now. That being said, my relationship with Christ is also growing through others, which is something that I've never been able to experience before, but I am loving it!

It means a lot for me to type these next few words, but I mean them so so genuinely: I have never been happier with my life than I am right now. I am surrounded by an incredible community of people who love & care about me, and for the first time in a very long time, I no longer feel like a burden. I don't feel like I'm a waste of space or like I'm somewhere where people don't want me around.

God's intentions for me are so clear. He has placed me at Texas State for a reason. My heart is so excited for everything that is coming up this semester, but I don't want to ruin it by blurting it out right now, soooooo you'll have to wait just a bit. :-)

Pray on, my beautiful friends. And remember: you did not choose Him, but He chose you. He has called us to bear fruit that will last, and nothing will last unless it is tended to!

Xx,
Marissa

Belated Rise 2012 post.

So let's just start by saying that I am surrounded by some of the most incredible people in the entire world.

 Top photo (L to R): Maggie Heath, Nate Walker, me!

Bottom left photo: Zach Sandefur... and me!

Bottom right photo: Maggie Heath (yet again) and Zeke Mills

If I could explain my love for these people, we'd be here forever.
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 Pteradactyl game with my amazing counselors, co-chair, and cabin girls!

Extra spcial love sent out to: Hannah Pinkston, Casey Braun, and Anna Richards

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See that smile up there? I don't think I've ever had a more genuine smile in my entire life.

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Rise 2012. Woah. What an incredible weekend. I've said that several times before, but really. One of THE best weekends of my entire life. SO many people on fire for Christ, and just plain excited about life in general. It was such an incredible blessing to see so many incoming freshmen/transfer students getting excited about college and learning how to maintain their faith throughout these imperative years of our lives. Students bonded and created friendships with each other and with the staff.

I have never been so in love with a group of people in my life. After praying for our campers all year long, I was more than ready to meet them in person! By the time I got to see them face to face, I was head over heels. In addition to working with THE BEST STAFF IN THE ENTIRE WORLD (!!!), we got the best campers ever. We all know how camp goes. First day is super awkward and no one wants to sing, or talk to each other, or show their real personality. Or maybe that's just me... Regardless, seeing the difference in last year's campers (my group!) and this year's was ridiculous. As a freshman, I never would have been as enthusiastic as they were, but thank You, Jesus, for sending us students who were so excited for You!!!

The weekend was perfect. Everything about it was incredible. I think that both staff and students were spiritually filled. Lifting each other up, praying for each other, and washing each other's feet were all miracles within themselves. I have never felt so loved and cared for, so I can only imagine how our campers must have felt.

I am so excited to be apart of this family, to finally feel like I'm part of something. My heart is seriously so overwhelmed right now that I can't explain it. All I know is that God has a plan for this year, and His light is going to be shining so brightly on campus that people will have no other choice than to follow it!!

For I know that plans that I have for you... Plans to prosper and for a good future.
Jeremiah 29:11

Good things are happening. And they're just beginning.

-Marissa

A few rules.

1. Never stop thinking. This is important. If someone ever says to you, "you need to stop over thinking", call them ignorant in your head and keep thinking deeper. Your mind is the most important tool you have. Question everything.

2. Everything is going to be fine. If you worry about acne, you are going to get a freaking pimple.

3. Root beer SUCKS after eating spicy food.

4. Don't be afraid to talk about anything. You shouldn't fear reality.

5. You are ALL original. Every life experience is case-sensitive & unique. Every time you wake up or go to the bathroom or quote someone else, you are becoming more YOU than anyone ever has been.

6. Do pointless things. Don't actively restrain yourself from the redundant.

7. Stop rushing. Just shut up & embrace the sound of silence.

8. Religion shouldn't be taught, it should be found. No one should tell you what to believe other than yourself. And while we are on that topic...

9. Don't be confined to one religion. People change every moment of every day. Minds grow and evolve. Religion has no "law", so feel free to mix & match. Do what makes YOU happy.

10. Talking to yourself is healthy. There's really no one else that you have more in common with.

11. It's not half empty or half full. It's half a freaking glass.

12. Every now and then, take something that you see everyday and try to see it in a different light. Renew its existence.

13. Be happy, but don't force it.

14. You will ALWAYS succeed in trying.

15. We are all crazy. Every person you read about in history books had some sort of "disorder". They just knew how to utilize it.

16. We are all about as similar as we are different.

17. Ideas are just as valuable as people. Why do you think we keep making people?

94. Numbers don't have to go in order.

18. Words will always be just words. "Love" & "hate" are just some four letter words. It's only the feeling that is real.

19. Ask a child for advice. They may not know much, but they know what is important.

20. Prove that you're alive. Do anything from dancing in the supermarket to shouting obscenities in the midst of silence. Remind the world that you are here.

21. Don't take anything, even this, too seriously.