"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." Proverbs 16:9

I faced 2012 with a heart unwilling to love and with ears unwilling to hear what I was being told. Six months of struggle was more than I could handle before I decided that I was done. I fought for myself and no one else, but I still kept in mind the grace of God. I figured that as long as I was obedient, misery would finally step aside in my life. I went to church, I volunteered with a youth group, I went to summer school, I got good grades, I babysat, I called my parents on a regular basis, I ate well, I worked out, and I did the exact opposite of what most college students do during the summer: I sat at home, sober on my Friday/Saturday nights, reading my plethora of John Green books and watching all ten seasons of Friends (a minor feat in itself). Behaving should have paid off soon enough, right?

Wrong.

See, that's not how God works. I'm quickly learning that I'm not in a payback kind of relationship with Him. None of us are at a place where we can try to wheel and deal with God, place bets, and do what we think is right because we think that we'll get something out of it. Because I did it all, and all I got out of it was a miserable summer with no fun, and no friends. I'd like to tell you that it was worth it all, and that everything magically turned around when school started, but then I'd be lying to you. It sucked. Granted, somewhere along the line, the Lord offered me a change of heart, and I made a decision that I had never seen in my future, but it turned out to be the best decision I made all year.

I had plans. I was going to continue life the way I had my freshman year, loving Jesus, seeking a social life, and hanging out with other people who felt the same way, but when the Shift occurred, the steps that I was taking to get to my ultimate destination became a lot more achievable. I was no longer jumping through hoops to please people, nor was I in a waging war with my God (seriously... what on Earth was I thinking?), but I was in a healthy relationship with Him and even people around me (yes, friends! I'd finally made those darn friends that I'd been seeking for so long).

Like most of these stories, it doesn't end there. I was pushed even further to break out beyond my "Christian bubble" (something that I've still yet to do), and live missionally with those who may or may not be believers in the Lord. Wait. What? I'm supposed to leave my comfortable environment where I'm surrounded by people who encourage me to read my Bible, and pray, and to continue my walk with the Lord? What do you mean that I'm supposed to leave this world of safety and security?

Oh yeah. It means that I'm supposed to go and follow the rules that Jesus wrote for us a really long time ago.

"Go, therefore and make disciples of all nations." Matthew 28:19

Here I am, God. Send me out. Teach me to live in a world of discomfort, and ultimately seek You in all that I do. I have my plans, Lord. Determine my steps. Take me there.