In this past year, I've been forced to make choices. Choices that I initially did not want to make, but thankfully my fear of not pleasing people was finally overtaken by my fear of not pleasing Jesus. Biblically speaking, I'd made the right decision.
"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ."
Galatians 1:10
In the spring, I struggled with deciding what I was going to do with my summer. After finally deciding to apply to OLSP, I sat and waited. And waited. And waited. Until finally, it was the week before spring break, and I'd given up. I wasn't doing too hot in my history class, I was struggling with mid-semester slump, and was just generally upset. The day that I had an emotional breakdown was the day that I received a call from one of our project directors asking if I wanted to join them for the summer. Literally in between crying sessions, I mustered up enough energy to say yes.
It's been the best decision that I've made in a long time.
A few weeks ago, we went on our women's re(treat yoself!), and we got to hear a few different talks from a sweet lady named Carolyn, who has been on staff with Cru for over 30 years. She was such an encouragement to myself, as I'm sure she was to many of the other women there that weekend. For so long, many of us have thought of marriage as the ultimate goal. I know that I have. I've struggled with idolizing relationships, planning my marriage before even having a serious boyfriend, and just generally falling for guys way too hard and way too fast. Carolyn shared with us her struggle of being single for long after her friends began getting engaged and married, and eventually didn't end up marrying until she was 51 years old. In the midst of all of that, she remained obedient to God, and answered His call to continue ministering with Cru. We went through a fantastic study in Ephesians about how life is all about the choices that we make. It seems like a simple enough concept, right?
Wrong.
I was reminded of how easy it is to get side-tracked in our walk with the Lord, and how the Bible gives very clear directions on how to live a Christian life, and to not walk in the flesh of humanity, but in the Holy Spirit.
"That however, is not that way of life you learned when you heard about Christ and were taught in Him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be life God in true righteousness and holiness."
Ephesians 4:20-24
I am a completely different person than I was a year ago, six months ago, or even six weeks ago. I've learned a lot about myself, and how important it is to be transparent. There's a word that I hear a lot, but practice. Transparency should consist of real Marissa. Not this front that I believe that everyone wants to see. Talking too much, laughing way too loudly, and trying endlessly to be funny only carries me so far before actual pain starts to take over. I've allowed a lot of people (30 others, to be exact) into my life in a very short amount of time. It hasn't been easy. I've often seen tears and emotions as signs of vulnerability, and no one likes to see a strong girl cry.
I now understand that the head and the heart coexist. Oftentimes, my heart has told me to let it all out, but my head has told me otherwise, but I've learned better. My head has a point, but you cannot base decisions on emotions alone. Make choices. Take God's hand. Don't justify your behavior when you know that it isn't pleasing to the Lord. Don't make excuses. Follow His plan, and His word, and you will live a life in the spirit, and will soon forget all about walking in the flesh.
And when you're feeling bitter and alone? (Exhibit A: myself) Find comfort in the fact that God does not waste pain.
"Would I ever bring this nation to the point of birth and then not deliver it?" asks the Lord. "No! I would never keep the nation from being born!" says the Lord, your God.
Isaiah 66:9
Check your silver linings every once in awhile, for "the Lord is good to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit". (Psalm 34:18) Remember how good and strong your heart is, but don't forget about your head knowledge.
I realize that this post is a little out in left field, unorganized, and all over the place, but hey. Then again, so is my life. What God is teaching me in Branson, MO of all places in the whole entire world IS AMAZINGLY SUPER AWESOME AND GREAT, and one day, I'd love to sit with your for 5 hours and tell you about it, but unfortunately, this blog is all you have (for now), so if I leave you with any encouragement, let it be this:
For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. Psalm 84:11
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:3-5
Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him. Psalm 34:8
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:18
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