I Went on Summer Project and All I Got Was This Lousy Blog Post

Just kidding. Duh. Here's a life update in photographic form for those of you who aren't constantly stalking my Facebook/Instagram/Twitter updates (and shame on you for that). 

It all started with a Jesus Calling devotional...

Followed by a trip to the outlook at College of the Ozarks for worship. 

Where I got to meet (part of) my sweet growth team. 

Then, somehow, we misplaced out staff members, and had to go find them at the Branson Landing. 

There was a bowling night where we all donned our best thrift shop attire that would even make Macklemore proud. 

There was a small group date to a mini-golf course. 

And a six-mile hike that ended with a rewarding swim in the Buffalo River. 

Gorgeous sunsets are abundant here; photos do no justice. 

Best 4th of July. Ever. 

A trip to Silver Dollar City to unwind. 

And the time to say farewell to our amazing staff came way too soon. They've taught us much, and have left the project in the hands of 31 very capable college students, as well as the Lord. 

I wholeheartedly believe that none of us are here by accident. God doesn't make mistakes. Our purpose and our intent has been made clear to us, and we are living it out. Thank you all so much for being some of the greatest people the Lord has ever placed in my life. 

"You did not choose me, but I chose you, and appointed you so that you would bear fruit--fruit that will last--and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give to you." John 15:16

The Head & the Heart (but not the band)

Friends. Romans. Countrymen. Lend me your ear. Or in this case, your eye(s). So I've been in Branson, MO for six weeks (!!!) now, and the Lord is working in sweet sweet ways. I've been struggling a lot with doubt. In myself, in the Lord, and wondering whether or not I'm enough. You're probably asking yourself, "So, why exactly is this sweet to you?" Trust me, if I'd heard that a year ago, I would've questioned myself too.

In this past year, I've been forced to make choices. Choices that I initially did not want to make, but thankfully my fear of not pleasing people was finally overtaken by my fear of not pleasing Jesus. Biblically speaking, I'd made the right decision. 

"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ."

Galatians 1:10

In the spring, I struggled with deciding what I was going to do with my summer. After finally deciding to apply to OLSP, I sat and waited. And waited. And waited. Until finally, it was the week before spring break, and I'd given up. I wasn't doing too hot in my history class, I was struggling with mid-semester slump, and was just generally upset. The day that I had an emotional breakdown  was the day that I received a call from one of our project directors asking if I wanted to join them for the summer. Literally in between crying sessions, I mustered up enough energy to say yes.

It's been the best decision that I've made in a long time.

A few weeks ago, we went on our women's re(treat yoself!), and we got to hear a few different talks from a sweet lady named Carolyn, who has been on staff with Cru for over 30 years. She was such an encouragement to myself, as I'm sure she was to many of the other women there that weekend. For so long, many of us have thought of marriage as the ultimate goal. I know that I have. I've struggled with idolizing relationships, planning my marriage before even having a serious boyfriend, and just generally falling for guys way too hard and way too fast. Carolyn shared with us her struggle of being single for long after her friends began getting engaged and married, and eventually didn't end up marrying until she was 51 years old. In the midst of all of that, she remained obedient to God, and answered His call to continue ministering with Cru. We went through a fantastic study in Ephesians about how life is all about the choices that we make. It seems like a simple enough concept, right? 

Wrong.

I was reminded of how easy it is to get side-tracked in our walk with the Lord, and how the Bible gives very clear directions on how to live a Christian life, and to not walk in the flesh of humanity, but in the Holy Spirit.

"That however, is not that way of life you learned when you heard about Christ and were taught in Him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be life God in true righteousness and holiness."

Ephesians 4:20-24

I am a completely different person than I was a year ago, six months ago, or even six weeks ago. I've learned a lot about myself, and how important it is to be transparent. There's a word that I hear a lot, but practice. Transparency should consist of real Marissa. Not this front that I believe that everyone wants to see. Talking too much, laughing way too loudly, and trying endlessly to be funny only carries me so far before actual pain starts to take over. I've allowed a lot of people (30 others, to be exact) into my life in a very short amount of time. It hasn't been easy. I've often seen tears and emotions as signs of vulnerability, and no one likes to see a strong girl cry. 

I now understand that the head and the heart coexist. Oftentimes, my heart has told me to let it all out, but my head has told me otherwise, but I've learned better. My head has a point, but you cannot base decisions on emotions alone. Make choices. Take God's hand. Don't justify your behavior when you know that it isn't pleasing to the Lord. Don't make excuses. Follow His plan, and His word, and you will live a life in the spirit, and will soon forget all about walking in the flesh. 

And when you're feeling bitter and alone? (Exhibit A: myself) Find comfort in the fact that God does not waste pain. 

"Would I ever bring this nation to the point of birth and then not deliver it?" asks the Lord. "No! I would never keep the nation from being born!" says the Lord, your God.

Isaiah 66:9

Check your silver linings every once in awhile, for "the Lord is good to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit". (Psalm 34:18) Remember how good and strong your heart is, but don't forget about your head knowledge.

I realize that this post is a little out in left field, unorganized, and all over the place, but hey. Then again, so is my life. What God is teaching me in Branson, MO of all places in the whole entire world IS AMAZINGLY SUPER AWESOME AND GREAT, and one day, I'd love to sit with your for 5 hours and tell you about it, but unfortunately, this blog is all you have (for now), so if I leave you with any encouragement, let it be this:

For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. Psalm 84:11

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:3-5

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him. Psalm 34:8

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Spring, sprang, sprung.

Scientifically speaking, spring is the season of love. There are birds chirping, bees buzzing, flowers blooming, proposal after proposal is occurring, and dopamine levels are high. We become love junkies; I can attest to this. (May has always seemed to be a particularly boy-crazed month for me). So how is one supposed to deal with all of this mushy-gushy love stuff when they feel so stranded and alone?

I've felt many emotions in regard to singleness over the past several years, from being a young teenager to now venturing into my 20's: anger, bitterness, loneliness, frustration, impatience, you name it.  I have been strictly and completely single for all 20 years of my life. I've never been on a date, and I have never been pursued (not that has been clearly stated to me anyway). But over the past year, what I've most felt towards singleness has been a deep contentment. I've experienced that kind of contentment that I can’t produce or manifest on my own. True contentment. No meltdowns, even finding nothing but pure joy in others' blessings. A deep sense of truly knowing and believing that God knows what He is doing. What’s changed? In a nutshell: what I've focused on has changed. My heart has changed infinitely in the past year. I am growing. I am sinning. I am failing forward. I am made new in Him, and am completely redeemed.

We must trust that God is in control of our lives. He has not forgotten about us. He is a Father that knows what is best in our lives. Our identity is not found in marital status or a relationship status, but rather our identity is found in Christ.

I am heartbroken to see my sisters finding their identity in their singleness. The Lord did not create you to be a woman in mourning of her own love life. In fact, Psalms clearly states for us how precious each of us are to Him.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,    I know that full well. Psalm 139:14

As Christians, our desire should be to walk closer to the Lord, but in our trying to achieve this, sometimes we find ourselves looking only at the sin in our lives. The lustful desires that we've found ourselves falling into, harboring hatred and jealousy towards our sisters and allowing ourselves to no longer guard our hearts.

If there is anything that I've learned this past year, specifically in the last four months or so, it has been to strictly view my brothers as brothers. I have too often met wonderful charming men of Christ in my past, and found my mind going straight to the last question that I should have been asking myself: "Hmmm, I wonder if he is single?". Ladies, the reality of it is this: be friends with men. Build bonds and relationships. Learn from your brothers. Christ did not design us to strictly confine our relationships with our sisters. But be safe in doing so. Easier said than done, don't allow lines to be blurred. Take precautions:

• Know your boundaries. Unless it's on a date, and both of you know that you're on a date, it's probably not best to be hanging out one-on-one. 
• Refrain from intimate contact. The last thing that you want on your mind is wondering what exactly that slight brush of his hand against yours meant. I should know, I've been there countless times. (And a heads-up: it's probably nothing)
• Don't overthink your interaction with them. Take everything with a grain of salt. If a man is seeking to pursue you, and is doing so in the way that God intended him to, you will know.
• Seek solace in your sisters. Not only am I a huge fan of alliteration, I'm a huge fan of strengthening bonds with the same sex. There are many hard-wiring differences between men & women. God created us uniquely, but both in His image. But let's be honest, you're not going to what to seek prayer & consultation about a man in your life who is becoming a stumbling block from some dude. Your sisters are here for a reason, and all of them, single and committed, are there to help you through those tough times.
• *Edit: So you like a guy, but he's not pursuing you. If your feelings for him are consuming your thoughts and hindering your actions, you need to take steps in alleviating the situation. It is important to be vulnerable and transparent with people. If you don't sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel, your mind is going to be continually flooded with thoughts of him and "what it could be". (Again, I only say this because I've been there.) Be honest with him. If you feel as though he's treating you differently than other girls, you need to let him know that that is not okay, and that you need his help in keeping your heart guarded until the right man comes along.

So my encouragement to you, singles, is to take your eyes off of yourself and focus on Christ. Instead of allowing myself to be defined a single, I've learned to define myself as a woman whom the Lord has blessed in being free of a relationship as a gift of more time to grow in Him. As I've done that, I truly find myself more content and able to enjoy other’s blessings. Heck, I'm even excited for some of them. I’m not drowning in my own sorrows and I’m able to see needs of others and want to serve. I’m freed up from feeling defined by the reality that the only hardware on my left finger is a promise ring.

"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." Proverbs 16:9

I faced 2012 with a heart unwilling to love and with ears unwilling to hear what I was being told. Six months of struggle was more than I could handle before I decided that I was done. I fought for myself and no one else, but I still kept in mind the grace of God. I figured that as long as I was obedient, misery would finally step aside in my life. I went to church, I volunteered with a youth group, I went to summer school, I got good grades, I babysat, I called my parents on a regular basis, I ate well, I worked out, and I did the exact opposite of what most college students do during the summer: I sat at home, sober on my Friday/Saturday nights, reading my plethora of John Green books and watching all ten seasons of Friends (a minor feat in itself). Behaving should have paid off soon enough, right?

Wrong.

See, that's not how God works. I'm quickly learning that I'm not in a payback kind of relationship with Him. None of us are at a place where we can try to wheel and deal with God, place bets, and do what we think is right because we think that we'll get something out of it. Because I did it all, and all I got out of it was a miserable summer with no fun, and no friends. I'd like to tell you that it was worth it all, and that everything magically turned around when school started, but then I'd be lying to you. It sucked. Granted, somewhere along the line, the Lord offered me a change of heart, and I made a decision that I had never seen in my future, but it turned out to be the best decision I made all year.

I had plans. I was going to continue life the way I had my freshman year, loving Jesus, seeking a social life, and hanging out with other people who felt the same way, but when the Shift occurred, the steps that I was taking to get to my ultimate destination became a lot more achievable. I was no longer jumping through hoops to please people, nor was I in a waging war with my God (seriously... what on Earth was I thinking?), but I was in a healthy relationship with Him and even people around me (yes, friends! I'd finally made those darn friends that I'd been seeking for so long).

Like most of these stories, it doesn't end there. I was pushed even further to break out beyond my "Christian bubble" (something that I've still yet to do), and live missionally with those who may or may not be believers in the Lord. Wait. What? I'm supposed to leave my comfortable environment where I'm surrounded by people who encourage me to read my Bible, and pray, and to continue my walk with the Lord? What do you mean that I'm supposed to leave this world of safety and security?

Oh yeah. It means that I'm supposed to go and follow the rules that Jesus wrote for us a really long time ago.

"Go, therefore and make disciples of all nations." Matthew 28:19

Here I am, God. Send me out. Teach me to live in a world of discomfort, and ultimately seek You in all that I do. I have my plans, Lord. Determine my steps. Take me there.

Oh hey there 2013.

Welp. Two months into the new year, I figure it's time for a new post. Especially considering that I started this blog exactly one year (!!!!!) ago yesterday. For starters, I've given myself a few projects for the year, including, but not limited to:

• One photo per day, for the general public/social media community. This year, I resolved to be a more consistent person (in a number of things), as well as resolving to seek out change and growth (as per usual).
• Reading my Bible more (duh).
• Studying doctrine of the Christian faith, which kind of ties in with reading the Good Book some more. Okay, not kind of. It has everything to do with it. This was also not an idea of my own brain, but of the wonderful brain of Kelsey Kite Nelson, whom I absolutely adore. Most of this is to reach my personal goal of being able to intelligently and diligently defend my faith and my belief system with something other than "Uhm, you know, Jesus is like, pretty cool and stuff". Which duh. I think that He is, but not everybody feels that way.
• Continue to grow on a daily basis and fail forward (one of my new favorite phrases). Make mistakes and learn from them. Do the wrong thing. Remember how bountiful God's grace is and how sufficient His love is, and don't deny yourself of that.

Reflecting on where I was a year ago (trying to be positive, but having that ugly, deep-down, 7th grade poetry-writing feeling in my stomach) and thinking of where I am now (happier than I have ever been), I've learned the importance of seasons. Not just like spring, summer, fall, and winter, because God knows that those don't exist in Texas, but personal seasons of experience. As miserable as I was at that point in my life, I wouldn't go back and change it for anything in the world, because a series of very fortunate events (see what I did there?) lead me to where I am today: serving the Lord with fear, trembling, and the strongest desire to change; leading in ways that I never thought would be possible; planning the next few years of my life with some kind of certainty; and legitimately enjoying everyday that passes. I hate to be cheesy and cliche, but a lot of it is thanks to these lovely people right here:

My best friends and future roommates. They hold me accountable, tell me to shut up when necessary, and love me so unconditionally. Whenever I feel like God's plan for me is going the wrong way, they keep me centered.

These ridiculous fellas right here are another huge part of my support system. The big brothers that I never had (or wanted for that matter) who drive me absolutely insane on a regular basis, but who I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

This general group of individuals have my entire heart and nothing less. It is within Cru that I've discovered my self-worth, my gifts, and how to love at all times. Living on a mission with them has been such an experience that I can't wait to continue growing in.

I realize that these posts may seem redundant.

But that's only because they are.

But a few more major points in my life:

• I was asked to be the godmother of my best friend's child. I have laughed and cried with her for the past five years, and she is the most consistent person that I've ever had in my life, and I can't wait to be a figure in this child's life.
• I know that I'm in the right major. My heart for serving the public school system and showing Christ's love to kids is a gift that I'll never take for granted.
• My GPA is no longer significantly lower than your average gas prices.
• My roommates and I are house searching... and hopefully will be signing. Soon!

I could honestly go on and on about how abundant God's love and grace are in my life, but your eyes would probably bleed, so you might as well ask me in person. I love to talk. But you should know that.

Pray on, ladies & gents.

2012 in a nutshell.

As a tribute to every single cheesy VH1 countdown ever, I've decided to take the time to share with you all ten amazing moments of 2012 (in no particular order).

To all of the people that I've met in the past year--I give you my heart. You all have a special place in it.
________________________________________________________________________

1. God's promise of a future and the plans that He had in store for me being solidified in my Wok & Roll fortune cookie.
There is surely a hope for you, and that hope will not be cut off. Proverbs 23:18

2. One (of many) days that I spent at the river with my roommate last spring. The first real day of spring; a break that I desperately needed.

3. Summer 2012--a time of a LOT of personal growth, understanding, and most importantly, an understanding of how loved I am by my friends, my family, and my Father.

4. RISE 2012! I got to meet some of the sweetest, most wonderful girls who I am so happy to call my sisters during this weekend. 

5. Meeting, and bonding with, this incredibly lady in my life. Someone through whom I have learned about love, perseverance, and finding peace within myself.

6. Any and every moment with any combination of these people. First group dinner of the year. Long live the BCG crew, the best group of friends that anyone could ask for.

7. Fall Getaway 2012! The weekend that I found my ministry, and the people that I'm blessed and humbled to be surrounded by. An awesome time of learning, growing, and understanding that our faults are not what define us, but pave the way to becoming the better person that we are destined to be.

8. First picture with my soulmate, a girl I know that I can count on for anything. Who knew that a math class would bring to girls together so closely, and help me redefine my relationship with Christ, as well as other people, whether she knows it or not. I am so excited to continue growing and sharing life with her!

9. The decision to be a part of the Rise staff for a second year in a row was not an easy one to make, but I am so thrilled that I get to serve the Lord as well as the freshman/transfer class of 2013 next summer. I am so excited to get to know our staff members in the spring and form relationships with my brothers and sisters that I haven't even met yet!

10. And last, but not least, the decision to live with these girls in the fall. I don't know how or why God decided to put us together, but living with them is going to be SO MUCH FUN! I am so blessed to be surrounded by awesome sisters who are committing their lives to Jesus, growing, and learning right along with me. Our prayers for the fall are already being lifted up to God, and I can't wait to see what He has in store for this group of girls and the people who we serve within our home! :)

From tearing my hair out, to falling on my knees, to lifting my hands up high, 2012 has been a year for the books. I can only pray that 2013 brings about as much growth and change as this year then. Because I am so ready.

1:07 am seems as good a time is any.

After a few days of procrastinating, cleaning, and packing (mostly procrastinating), it's finally done. I am finally packed and ready to head back to the 956 tomorrow. Now that I don't have a million and one things to do, I've finally been able to take some much needed extensive quiet time to talk with my Daddy Jesus. Doing this has caused me to reflect on the past 6+ months of my life, and how much it has changed. Drastically, I might add.

Seeing as how it's the end of the year, lists are abundant, as well as recaps. So here is 2012 in its cracked little nutshell. Let's look back, shall we? I'll make this quick. After a few months of literally having force myself to write words that were deemed "happy", "positive", and "grateful", I was exhausted from having been alone, tired, and afraid of what my future had in store for me. My grades were borderline probationary. I lived in San Marcos for my first summer away from home. And I was completely alone. Then came the beautiful month of August, where everything turned around. I got to meet these amazing people.

Rise 2012 has been one of the biggest blessings in my life by far. It was an incredible way for my eyes to be opened to the plans that the Lord had for me this semester. The relationships that I made that weekend are the strongest ones that I have today. Something inside of me changed over that span of 4 days. I came back to school a month later more eager than ever. Lacking a campus ministry, I was worried about where I was supposed to be, but six weeks into the semester, everything settled itself. I now have the best support system that anyone could ever ask for. That's where these people come in.

I am quite literally the happiest that I've ever been. I ran into one of my pledge sisters a few weeks ago, and she told me that I was "glowing". I'd never received a compliment like that before, and it was just another one of the tiny things that happened to me that reminded me of the greatness of Christ's love for each and every one of us. I am finally enjoying the life that the Lord made for me, rejoicing in His mercies, and teaching myself to love unconditionally. My goals have included becoming more transparent, more approachable, and more loving towards my brothers and sisters, all anxieties cast aside. 

For those of you who have walked along side me on this part of my journey, I give you my whole heart. Amazing things have happened to it this semester, and there's something inside of me that just keeps going. 

It's been a year of ups and downs, but I am forever blessed that it is ending on a high note. Goodbye 2012. And 2013... get ready.